Hey. I’m sorry I haven’t checked in in a while. I have been working a lot and all the time I spend not at work, I just exist. It feels like I can’t commit to anything, because there’s just not enough time to enjoy it.
writing entries, playing music, learning something new. It feels as though all I can do is waste away.
I believed that when I left DFW and moved back home, I made it to my rock bottom. It felt pretty shitty. My life imploded in what felt like 30 minutes, but I was wrong. A couple months ago. 6pm on a random Wednesday. 6 months after my initial belief of hitting my low. After making it back to my home store location, I realized in that moment. Whatever was holding me together had broken. I looked back on the 6 months prior and saw the calm before the storm that tricked me into believing I was already at my lowest. I picked up a new life with a few people and that was nice for the few months it lasted. When I first moved back home, I worked at a different store from the one I’m at now and after I was finally able to transfer to the location I wanted to be at, the group just fell apart on its own. It found a new identity without me and here in the present, the group itself has entirely vanished.
They weren’t much, but it was something to maintain some level of happiness. Now However? I stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning. Wake up at 11 or 12. Sit on social media until I go to work. Hate my existence while I’m there, with minor redeeming moments. Close up around 12am. Make it home by 12:10. Lay down and wait for sleep to find me. All for the purpose of repeating this process the next day.
There is nothing left to look forward to. There is no silver lining left in the distance. Everywhere I look is another thing that causes me stress or anguish. Reminders that there is nothing, but pitiful things attempting to fill the holes I left in my own heart, because I lost all the things that filled them prior. An impossible feat I might add for the things attempting to recreate the fullness I had before.
No place left for my emotions to go. No comfortable place for my head to rest. Nothing left to provide me with affirmation that it’ll be okay. The best I can do is rock myself to sleep with sweet nothings and attempt to look towards the distant future for something that can provide me with any fulfillment, because I’m truly empty now. A tangible emptiness unlike any I’ve felt before. I attempt to grasp into the air and even that runs from my grip.
Nothing is left. You are all I can speak to. This blog. Now seemingly with no one on the other end. I have successfully escaped from every last person that had any idea how to love me and for that I have found new depth in my husk. How hollowness continues to grow more hollow. Sinking into itself. Creating a deeper and denser dark space. I felt like a fire before. Enveloping everything, but at least there was passion in the blaze. Now it feels I’m turning into a black hole. The emotions are no longer fuel. It wil become food with no nourishment. Given to a stomach with no limit.
I don’t want to become that, but this path feels set. What a time to learn so many new things about myself. How far I can escape from my own steadfast ideals. I never knew I was capable, but here we are. The beginning of my own ego death. How far will the process reach?
I miss you immensely and hope April has been treating you well. Goodnight. Sleep well.
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