I have spent years trying to beat the toxicity. Trying to escape from whatever is chained up inside of me, but no matter how far I run. How much I think I’ve changed, I lose everything I tried to gain before the last life reset that saw the things before it taken from me as well.

Years of almosts. Almost loving someone in a way that is healthy. Almost creating happiness in my life. Almost finding true friends that I think will have my back for life.

Where does it end? How much will I have to grow before I can exist in a way that is okay for the world? How much do I need to change to fit into the traditional make up of society? Am I missing the mark? Is it even about me changing for the world if it seems the world turns its back on me too?

I lost my best friend, because she feels as though we grew apart when I was the only one there for her in her darkest time? Waiting on her to call upon me even though she was the reason the bridge was burned to my last past life. How do I grow enough to stop that?

Almost fulfilling my heart and keeping that emptiness from turning me. Almost being happy. Almost smiling in a way that is honest and true and not just a placeholder until I can find something, internal or external, that provides joy.

When can I stop crying? When can I stop cutting? When can I breathe?

Maybe I can’t. Maybe this is my price for hurting so many others and breaking their hearts. my heart may no longer deserve to be whole. I don’t even think I could make it whole. Not with any level of fulfillment.

Regardless of what I build for myself to fill the space in my heart, I fear it will be a life of almost happy. Almost at peace. Almost living.

But not good enough. Not good enough to be called a real life.