I had a moment about a year and a half ago or so. It may have been at the tail end of 2022, I’m not sure. I had so many nights where I was up sitting at my computer playing games. This particular night I was talking to Derek and Monta in Discord while they dueled. I wasn’t playing at this point, just watching them, but for a minute, I phased out. I catch myself looking at my arms often and thinking about my scars. I don’t think that’s much of a surprise to anyone, but this particular time I was looking, something different happened.

Usually, the feelings are mild. I have had many of them for so long, it feels more like a trip down memory lane looking at them than something that provokes strong conscious thought in the present, but this time my heart began to race and for the tiniest moment, I felt as though I was going to break down. A few seconds passed by in this state and my eyes started to water. My heart dropped the fast beat it developed at the onset and started pounding out my chest , but before I fully lost sight of my surroundings and spiraled into the darkness, I caught myself.

Once I calmed down and regained my composure, I realized what happened to me. Never in my life have I looked at my scars and felt fear or anxiety, but this time. This one time, it felt as though my scars were on the verge of triggering an episode.

I didn’t know what to do with that moment and I still don’t know now. I have never experienced anything like that. My scars scared me. Looking at them made me dizzy.

It hasn’t happened since. I’m not even sure it is something worth thinking about at this point, but what did it mean?

Was I supposed to hold onto and analyze the intricacies in the emotions I felt for that moment?

I treasure my scars. They are part of what makes me me and I’ve never regretted a single one, but then. Only then, have I ever thought maybe. Just maybe, I didn’t want them. What happened to me then and why was it isolated to that single brief moment?